When your pain consumes you

The importance of self-care.

Hi friends,

Things aren’t okay. There is so much pain and suffering and devastation in the world, and while I have the privilege of living in a safe environment, it certainly hasn’t felt safe.

The media and information we consume affects us. It can make things feel terribly heavy, and it can be triggering, causing trauma symptoms to resurface or intensify. While I’ve reached a point on my healing journey where I do not suffer from intense PTSD symptoms daily (which is one reason why I have the capacity to write about trauma and healing), they returned in full force two weeks ago after being exposed to violent images and videos all over the internet. A few nights, I woke up in a panic after having nightmares with elements of what I saw in the videos circulating on social media. During the day, I had intrusive thoughts about people with weapons kicking in my door, trying to attack me. The fear overwhelmed me, and with my partner out of town and unable to help ground me, it felt like I was in my own world.

I don’t want to be consumed by my pain. I want to have the capacity to advocate for others who are fighting for their lives. But that’s the thing about struggling with trauma: when your pain consumes you, your world is often limited to your suffering. When your pain consumes you, it’s difficult to hold space, comfort, or advocate for others.

In my book You’re Going to Be Okay, I have a chapter called “Healing is an act of love.” In it, I write about how when we’re hurting and overwhelmed, it’s hard to connect and be there for others (often, we want to isolate, disengage, and push others away). In contrast, when our pain is no longer consuming us, we have the breathing room to care for others. Self-care creates space for collective care.

After having a breakdown and crying on Instagram stories last week, I’ve taken my own advice and have prioritized self-care. Self-care hasn’t always been easy for me, especially as someone who learned at a young age to dismiss their needs in order to live up to the expectations of others. Prioritizing my needs still feels selfish sometimes, especially when so many others are suffering. But when your pain is preventing you from sleeping, working, or taking care of your basic needs, then self-care is necessary. We aren’t in a position to help others when we can barely care for ourselves.

I’m not in therapy right now (I’ll save that for a later newsletter), but this is what self-care has looked like for me lately: